The Spectrum

Issue date: 4/14/05 Section: Perspectives

The other day I was picking my nose. And I mean full on picking my nose. My fist was practically scraping against my brain. Then the most horrible thing happened. My roommate walked in and saw me. He caught me red handed. As if that's not enough, he was with his mom at the time. So there I was, enjoying myself while picking my nose, and they saw it. I was so embarrassed. And they were appalled by my nose picking. It was obviously disgusting to them.
But then, hours later, after calming myself down, I realized that it really wasn't a big deal. And the reason was simple. Absolutely everyone picks their nose. It's a true fact. No matter what, everyone in the world, at one point or another has a booger in a hard to reach place, and uses a finger to get up there and "de-clog the nostril" as I call it. But why is everyone so incredibly embarrassed when they're caught? My roommate should have said, "Oh, you're picking your nose. I do that all the time. It's quite fun." But instead, he acted like only crazy people pick their nose.
This got me thinking. What else does everyone do, but only when nobody's around? Well, right away, my dirty mind filled with all kinds of things that I have decided not to mention in this article. Once the impure thoughts finally left my mind I came across several things that I know everyone does.
I'll start simple. Every now and then, when nobody's looking, do you ever have to scratch somewhere unpleasant? There really is no good way to do it, but everyone has to. Or what about the infamous wedgie? It is very difficult to pull your underwear out of whatever crack it might be in, without people noticing. One time, I was "adjusting myself," and one of my professors noticed. Oh boy my face was so red. But again, this is something everyone does, when nobody's looking. Why can't we just scratch our butts while people are near us.
But that's not all. Do you ever sing while driving your car? And I don't mean quietly singing along to the radio. I mean, all out screaming along to the Mariah Carey CD your mother gave you for Christmas two years ago. The CD you know every single word to. Everybody knows what I'm talking about. Singing in the car is one of those things we are all, without a doubt, guilty of. I've been singing in the car so hard that I've practically swerved into oncoming traffic. But I absolutely never do this unless I'm alone. I can't risk being seen, and ridiculed. It would be horribly embarrassing. Have you ever been singing in the car, and suddenly somebody pulls up next to you at a red light? What do you do? You instantly shut up and pretend to be on your cell phone. At least, that's what I do.

Continued...

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